The grammar sucks... I know. I did pick up English Grammar for Dummies this weekend for this week's assignment. Yeah, for real. Don't be judgy, I have to start somewhere.
This week's assignment is here. We have been asked to write a newspaper article about a fictional crime that we committed. It has to be in third person, 500-750 words and two pictures need to be in our post. Once you hear about "the crime" I committed, you won't be terribly surprised that it was the first thing that came to my mind.
The Ultimate Murder Weapon
We all kinda knew it would happen this way, given the fact that Stacia could always manage to injure herself in a round, padded room. Add two small kids and a cat who conveniently likes to walk right in front of her while going down the stairs to the mix and well, it was only a matter of time.
Anyway, she kinda had a feeling something like this would happen, so she wrote a quick-ish life story to have read at her funeral.
Here goes it. Written by Stacia from Dried-on Milk. The instructions were that this should be read specifically in a sarcastic voice, much as her whole life was lived.
I am the woman known as the ultimate tub shit, cleaner-upper. True story. Although I never aspired to be a pooper scooper, I always dreamed of being a back-up dancer for Britney Spears. Back in Britney’s heyday, not the crazy-swinging-umbrellas-bald-head times. Not that I was that good of a dancer, it just sounded like fun.
My life veered a tad off course when I met my husband, J, in the cafeteria of my college dorm, as my student manager. Bowchickawowow…ifyaknowwhatimsayin. Six years after an invite to a kegger, we were married in a hospital room. Weirdly, this is very much true but it was a beautiful day. The most important person, J’s dad, was able to attend and that’s all that really mattered.
I am certain that I would have been a single, crazy, cat lady if it weren’t for J. In fact, barely a year after moving in together and him constantly telling me he was allergic, we adopted Mr. Samuelpoopykins. Sam for short. He’s my first baby. I’ve had cats all my life and still haven’t figured out why they have to barf on every single soft surface of the house, even when hardwood floor is just inches away. Oooh carpet … I think I’ll just unload my stomach contents right here. Stabby!
Five years later we welcomed our daughter Ava James. A real child this time. Ava is the little girl who threw our lives off its axis. Everyone told us our lives would change but I had no idea that I would end up on Lexapro. We seriously wondered if we should take our chances and have another baby. Bowchickawowow. Three years later EZ was born. What? I was a virgin up until my dying day. Right, dad?
Since dancing with Britney was now out of the question (have you seen a woman’s post baby body? No, I mean normal women, not post-baby Jessica Alba) I took up a career in graphic design. Mega props to stay at home moms! Staying at home made me stabby. I love my kids dearly but they are just so dang needy. Always wanting food and water.
As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, I often found other things to do like party planning, side design work and of course, my interwebs baby … Dried-on Milk.
I was always told I talked too much. That much is true but I have so much to tell everyone! My teachers in school didn’t think so though and I always had my name on the board with check marks behind it. Writing a blog seemed like a natural progression for me.
That’s pretty much it. Can you tell I’m trying to keep this short and sweet? I’m a terrible rambler and I know you have better things to do than sit and wail over my death.
I had a good run. I love my family and what I had of a life. It was a good one that I wouldn’t change. I certainly hope that people will remember me as someone who can find humor in just about anything. Even tub shits. Yes. Tub shits. Just marinate yourself in that little nugget of goodness.
Now it’s time to kick back, catch up with some family members I haven’t seen in a long time at the pearly gates and get to work on my ever expanding to-read book list, all while watching over my babies and family down below. I love them but don’t want them to join me until they are good and ready.
Peace out, homies. See you on the flip side.